An Open Letter For Those Who Assume

This is a letter to those who think they know me, and continue to assume that I have this "materialistic and fantastic traveling life". 

Here's a little bit about me. Life may seem like its perfect, and as I'm sure you have heard from celebrities, YouTubers or even family, it's not. The thing about the internet world is that YOU get to share what YOU want. You don't have to post about the good, the bad and the ugly. Somethings I will always hold to myself. Other things I feel like it's okay for the world to know. That's what makes YOU relate-able.

May surprise you but I am an extremely private and sensitive person. I really don't care what people who are on the internet say about me, because I know they are hiding behind a keyboard and have their own issues. I've been there. It sucks and yes if there are ever times a stranger is rude, it does sting a little bit. It's just a lot easier to shake that off then someone you may know in real life. 

My entire life I've been shy. I wanted to be an actor for the longest time. I always wanted to be in front of a camera expressing myself. But being made fun of for that made me keep that passion to myself. My family has a ton of videos of me being a complete dork (that still hasn't changed) filming myself singing, dancing and being a goofy 10 year old. Now I have the confidence to publicly put myself out there because I want to be someone who inspires one person, JUST ONE PERSON, to wake up every single day and say to themselves "I can do this." 

I've had really low points in my life. Growing up, my entire child hood I was bullied. I was made fun of for having a "uni brow" or a "mustache" when all it was peach fuzz. I remember crying, asking my mom to shave it. I was also made fun of for what I wore. My family isn't rich. Yes we get by, but I didn't have the "it" items back then. I only wanted to wear jeans and sweatshirts everyday. I got picked on for this. I was even constantly being called a cry baby because I wanted everyone to like me, and when they didn't, I would get upset. Although it wasn't the worse things in the world, it shaped me for who I am now.

In high school I was constantly picked on. The majority of it was from boys. My first boyfriend told everyone a super embarrassing rumor, leaving me to breaking a window and lashing out at home, getting stitches on my elbow for that. The scars are still there and I am reminded of being told "I wish you were dead" still linger in my mind. I wanted to end my life because of this rumor. I didn't want to go to school. Of course I was devastated and of course I never stood up for myself. I was an easy target to pick on. I get extremely uncomfortable in confrontations. I start having panic attacks and when I try to speak, I stutter. Back then, I just ended up holding in all my pain and being silent about it.

Also in high school a girl wanted to beat me up for dating this guy that all of a sudden she liked. She told me to dump him so she could have him or she would kill me. I was only with this guy for a week and just ended it because who seriously wants to deal with someone like that? Not me. After that things started becoming a little easier. Boys would still tease me, especially when I decided to get hi-lites in my hair. I begged my mom to allow me to do so, and she did. Spending money she could've used for something else to make me happy. The next day I walked into my English class and got called an ugly bitch by a group of guys. Also saying Mexicans don't have blonde hair. I packed my things up and left. I couldn't let them see me cry. I never understood why people had to be so mean when that person never even bothered them. Later that week I boxed dyed my hair. I wish I didn't, but I was hurt and depressed. I didn't want to suffer anymore at school. 

I've also had some guy spit food in my hair in front of the entire class purposely. I remember this very well. It was in 5th period and he asked for some goldfish to eat. Everyone knew I had goldfish cause that was in my lunch every single day! Of course I allowed him some because I always tried to be nice. Next thing I know he chews up the goldfish in his mouth and spits it in my hair. Of course his group of friends giggled in their seats. I've never acted out on anyone ever. I always kept to myself and ignored it. But knowing that I didn't do anything to deserve that set me off. I turned around and socked him in the face. I was so livid for what he just did and told him to respect people who are always kind to you, especially a girl.

Am I proud of that? No. But as a teenager with a ton of emotions, of course I acted out. I was so over being picked on. For so long I allowed others to control my happiness. That led me to depression and even considered taking my life. It's hard for me to even stare at that last sentence.... I suffered with that for a long time. I thought doing so would make everyone happy. Although I never came close to actually doing so, the thoughts would end up getting worse as time went on. I've never shared that with anyone before. Maybe one or two people. I so wish people would think of their actions before they try to bring someone down.

You don't know someones life. You never will unless you physically make an effort to befriend them. I still till this day, as a twenty five year old, almost twenty six, feel like an easy target for people to pick on. 

I've been called almost every name in the book. Always made fun of my appearance or quiet voice. I'm Irish, German, Spanish, Sicilian and many other things that make up my heritage. I always dreaded having to explain this to people. I don't like those judgy eyes and all they think is "that Mexican". I know I'm not perfect and I have never considered myself to be perfect. Every person has their own imperfections. Mine for the longest time was my nose. At such a young age I thought about a nose job. Who does that?!? I never saw myself as pretty or beautiful. I always looked in the mirror and thought I was the ugliest thing in the world. That was always my issue. I've grown to love what I've been given. I got over the nose thing and accepted it as part of who I am.

The point of this post is for people to just stop assuming someones life is so perfect. It's not. I'm not an outgoing person. I more shy than anything and I've worked really hard to not be so shy. But I can't change who I am. My past has made me shy. I rather keep to myself than have someone poke fun of me. I don't ever want to get to that low point like I did in high school. I wanted to just end everything then. I had guys cheat on me, start rumors and make scenes to make themselves look cool. Yet there I was, tears filled in my eyes wanting to just give up. I wish I could give my younger self some advice and let her know that everything someday will  be okay.

Even now things still get to me and I will have days where I have no energy to do anything. All I want to do is cry. I didn't gain any confidence in myself until last year.

 I always went along with what people wanted to do to make them happy. Never followed my own path to life. I went through a rough relationship for many years being cheated on, abused and such and that my life was just going to be this depressing roller coaster ride forever. I didn't see what was beyond that. I tried many things to change this, trying to make it work for the better, but it was so obvious to my friends and family that nothing was ever going to change. It took some pretty shitty and scary scenarios that involved fist fights and even cops to open my eyes. I know you would of never thought that about me. That I've had a rough past. It's because I CHOSE not to share this until now. This is why you should never assume. Never assume someones rich, has this picture perfect life, this perfect family and friends and that life was smooth sailing. It wasn't. I've never been rich. I'm fortunate to do what I do now, but even doing so I don't make the money to live off of. This is why I have a part time job. My life is not picture perfect. It never will be. Accept that. My family isn't perfect, were dysfunctional and hot tempered, but we care and love one another like crazy. Friends have never been perfect. I never had a lot of friends as I was scared of losing them, but am so fortunate to have such a great group of friends that I know will be there my entire life.

I hope someday in life, those who think they know me, will take a second to realize they can't assume everything. Get to know me before you make any form of judgement. Know I was the shy kid in school, afraid to make friends. The kid who would cry herself to sleep from being picked on. Know I've thought dark thoughts before, not knowing what potentially could hurt those who cared for me. Know still till this day I struggle. I struggle being confident and strong. Things still pop up that may have happened a long time ago, and it could easily ruin my day. That's just me. It's hard to forget where you once were.

The picture in this post was from this past weekend. I'm always asked to go to the race track nearby my house, but I always decline no. Until this past weekend. I've grown to love racing and was once spending every weekend at the races or traveling with them for 9 years. It became such a huge part of my life and something I looked forward to. Once my previous relationship ended, I wasn't going to be that girl that still showed up. Because over those past 9 years, I've seen couples get together and break up, and one or the other tries to make the other person jealous by showing up to the track. I've always thought that the track had way more drama then high school. It's still true to this day. During my rough patches, I allowed a lot of that drama to consume me and bring me down. That's where I found out about a few unfaithful moments happened behind my back. A place that was once so comfortable now became so dark. This went on for a while. So much drama that I don't want to go into details about it, otherwise I'd be writing a 500 page book. So once things officially ended I hid from this place. I didn't want to be around anyone there. I was hearing rumors about me that were not true and just did not want to give these people anything to talk about. I became more private than ever.

"Some people who walk into your life are meant to be there.." This is so true. I never expected to meet anyone that would change my life for the better. People still till this second (yes right now, my phone is getting blown up asking questions) assume they know whom I'm with or what I'm doing. I never will understand why people are so invested in my private life. Why they have to pry for answers and ask how things came to be. After this weekend I really felt like I was back in high school, getting picked on and talked about when all eyes were pointed right at me. I really wanted to film a short video out there and take some pictures, but because of peoples immaturity that I allowed to get to me, I hid in the trailer the entire time. I got better the second day, but at the end of that night it was bad. I couldn't stop asking myself why people cared, why me? I still don't know. I know many people out there who date pretty much everyone, and yet its totally okay. I swear its a whole other world out there, and people really need to build a bridge and get over it. I'm not out there starting drama. I ended up getting really down on myself and talking myself into every reason why I shouldn't have gone. I've had girls from ages 15 to 60 try and start drama with me, over nothing. I'm not here to bash anyone, but know while your still assuming my life is so perfect, it's not. Things are always changing and I'm growing older. What I do with my life is my own decision. Too many years of my life were wasted away by allowing others tell me what I can and can't do. It's not until last year where my depression started disappearing. This past weekend would've destroyed me in my past. I would of cried for days, hiding in my room not wanting to do a single damn thing. I'm truly blessed to have someone in my life who doesn't care about what others think (so wish I could too, but someday I won't) and allow me to vent to them. Because of that, I haven't been so shy to share my experiences. Because of that I'm able to somewhat brush it off, yet some of it still hurts, and look forward to a brighter future. To hear what others think they know still kills me, but it also makes me laugh. Just because someone has something you think is nice, doesn't mean they are rich and sit on their butt all day. No. That person that your talking about is struggling, just like you, to do what they love and to do anything to make their dreams come true. If you even allowed yourself to get over your cockiness and allow your mind to rest easy, knowing they aren't half as bad as you thought, you'd be so damn surprised how hard working and determined they are. They don't live in a big house like you think, they don't make six figures a year like you think. They don't dislike anyone, whether that person dislikes them for whatever reason, like you think. They would help anyone, and I mean anyone if they are in need of help. They will always befriend anyone and allow them to hang in their trailer, chat and eat. They don't let their egos get to them. They are their toughest critic and never show anger at all. NEVER. They would never walk up to someone and start a fight. They will try and figure out why something happened and blame themselves. So before your assuming anything about anyone in life, seriously get off your high horse and just get to know someone. These people have helped me with my own struggles and started helping me believe in myself.

Obviously this past weekend inspired this post. I'm tired of not speaking up and sharing my demons. Especially now. I was just accused today of how I get to travel and this person assumed I didn't work for it. Just because I travel doesn't mean you have to be rich. Anyone can travel. As long as you put your mind to it, you can do it. It doesn't take a lot to travel to nature. I've only been on 3 actual vacations this entire year and it's because I save my own money for it. I travel because I want to share with you about places to get up and travel to! Someday in life maybe people will stop assuming. Maybe they will stop talking to others like they know my life story without actually introducing themselves to me. Just maybe. But for now, put the assumptions to rest.

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